Affect Cheat Sheet

Understanding and identifying affects is the foundation of emotional and relational intelligence. If you want to improve your relationships, communication, and overall emotional well-being, recognizing these core feelings in yourself and others is not optional—it’s essential.

Affects are the building blocks of every emotional experience, and being able to identify them gives you the power to manage your responses, engage more meaningfully with others, and avoid unnecessary conflict. This Affect Cheat Sheet will give you the practical knowledge to develop this crucial skill, setting you up for success in both your personal and professional relationships.

Don’t let negative emotions control your life.
Take the first step toward emotional mastery with Dr. Scott Conkright.
Contact us at (404) 315-7150 or HERE to schedule your therapy session.

1. Interest-Excitement

In relationships: “I want to know all about you!”. “You’re fascinating”. 

• Description: This feeling, Interest-Excitement, is a key to understanding emotional intelligence. It draws you into an activity, conversation, or experience, energizing curiosity and focus. Understanding this affect is crucial for engaging in meaningful interactions and activities.
• Synonyms: Curiosity, fascination, engagement, enthusiasm, intrigue, desire. 
• Identify in Yourself: You feel engaged, focused, and curious. Your body may lean forward, and your eyes may widen as you concentrate on the object of interest.
• Identify in Others: Look for open body language, eyes wide or eyebrows slightly raised, steady gaze, nodding, or leaning in.

2. Enjoyment-Joy

• Description: Pleasurable experiences trigger this affect. It feels light and happy and often leads to smiling or laughing.
• Synonyms: Happiness, delight, pleasure, elation, satisfaction, chilling, relaxing, 
• As you identify Enjoyment-Joy in Yourself, remember that it’s a personal experience. A warm sensation in your chest or a spontaneous smile may appear. You might feel relaxed and content. Your active participation in this identification process is key to understanding this affect.
• Identify in Others: Look for genuine smiles (Duchenne smiles, where the eyes crinkle), laughter, or a relaxed posture.
• In relationships: “I’m having such a great time”. “What a blast!”

3. Surprise-Startle

• Description: A sudden and brief affect that arises in response to something unexpected.
• Synonyms: Shock, astonishment, amazement, bewilderment
• Identify in Yourself: A quick intake of breath, widened eyes, or a jolt in your body can signal surprise. Your heart rate may spike briefly. Being alert and attentive to these physical cues is crucial in identifying the affect of Surprise-Startle.
• Identify in Others: Notice an abrupt change in posture or facial expression, such as eyes widening or gasping.
• In relationships: “What happened?”. “WTF?”

4. Distress-Anguish

• Description: This affect signals discomfort or suffering. It drives you to seek relief or comfort from the source of distress.
• Synonyms: Sadness, sorrow, grief, upset, hurt.
• Identify in Yourself: You may feel tightness in your chest, a lump in your throat, or the urge to cry. Your muscles may tense, and your breathing might become shallow.
• Identify in Others: Look for furrowed brows, downturned mouth, or tearing up. People may fidget or withdraw.
• In relationships: “Please hold me”. “Please make things feel better!”

5. Fear-Terror

• Description: Triggered by perceived danger, fear activates a fight, flight, or freeze response.
• Synonyms: Anxiety, dread, panic, apprehension, fright
• Identify in Yourself: Your heart races, your palms sweat, and you may feel the need to escape the situation. There’s often a knot in the stomach.
• Identify in Others: Look for wide eyes, a stiff or frozen body, or someone backing away. Quick or shallow breathing is also a sign.

6. Anger-Rage

• Description: A reaction to an obstacle or threat, anger fuels a need for action or confrontation.
• Synonyms: Irritation, frustration, fury, resentment, wrath
• Identify in Yourself: You might feel hot, tense, or restless. Clenching your fists, tightening your jaw, or a surge of energy is common.
• Identify in Others: Look for furrowed brows, tense muscles, or clenched fists. People might raise their voices or speak in short, clipped sentences.
• In relationships: “I hate you!” “I could kill you!”

7. Disgust/Distain (Rejection of a taste. Rejection of a person or group of people). 

• Description: A rejection of something considered offensive, distasteful, or toxic. We often feel disgusted because there are many things that we figuratively ingest (people, thoughts, sights, noises) that, when found to be toxic, need to be expelled.
• Synonyms: Revulsion, aversion, loathing, repulsion, disdain
• Identify in Yourself: You may wrinkle your nose, squint, or need to pull away. The sensation can feel nauseating.
• Identify in Others: Notice nose wrinkling, lip curling, or someone turning away from the source of disgust.
• In Relationships: “You’re disqusting”. “You make me want to vomit”

8. Dissmell (Rejection of a Smell. Rejection of a person or group of people)

• Description: This is a primitive response to something perceived as harmful through the sense of smell. When dissmell is combined with anger, we call it contempt. Dissmell appears on the face as the head is pulled back, the upper lip is raised, the nose is wrinkled, and the inner eyebrows lowered.
• Synonyms: Contempt (when combined with anger), aversion, repulsion
• Identify in Yourself: A quick withdrawal from a foul odor or a reflex to cover your nose.
• Identify in Others: Look for someone pulling away from an object or covering their nose in response to an odor.
• In relationships: “You stink”, “You’re a piece of shit”

9. Disquieting Self-Consciousness – Shame/Humiliation 

• Description: This affect signals a disruption of positive affect, often related to a perceived flaw or social rejection.
• Synonyms: Embarrassment, guilt, unworthiness, self-doubt
• Identify in Yourself: A sinking feeling, the desire to hide or avoid eye contact, or feeling “small.” You may look down or slump your shoulders.
• Identify in Others: Notice lowered eyes, flushed cheeks, or a sudden withdrawal from the conversation. They may speak quietly or fidget.
• In Relationships: “I’m worthless, sorry”. “I’m mortified”. 

Shame vs. Distress: Key Differences

• Self-consciousness/Shame is a self-focused affect, primarily concerned with how you imagine you are perceived others in the eyes of others or how you imagine you are failing to live up to a desired standard. It’s triggered when positive feelings like interest or enjoyment are interrupted, particularly in social or evaluative contexts. Shame focuses on the self, with a desire to hide or withdraw.
• Distress, however, is a primary effect that arises in response to an overwhelming, threatening, or painful situation. It’s more about feeling externally overwhelmed or hurt, seeking relief or comfort from the outside. Distress focuses on the situation and drives you to seek help or change the circumstances causing the discomfort.

How They Are Related

Shame and distress are often intertwined, as shame can lead to distress, but not all distress is caused by shame. Here’s how they connect:

• Shame can cause distress when feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, or social rejection overwhelm. For instance, if you feel ashamed about failing in front of others, the emotional discomfort of shame may escalate into distress because it threatens your sense of belonging and self-worth.
• Distress can heighten shame if someone feels they are not handling a challenging situation well. For example, if someone becomes distressed during a stressful task and feels that their distress is a sign of weakness or incompetence, shame may arise as a secondary affect.

Differentiating the Two in Yourself and Others

Shame:

• In Yourself: Shame feels like a shrinking or collapsing sensation. You might want to hide, avoid eye contact, or withdraw from others. You’ll often feel a sense of personal failure or embarrassment focused on how you appear to others.
• In Others: Look for signs of social withdrawal, lowered gaze, blushing, or sudden silence. Someone feeling shame may deflect attention from themselves or seem overly self-critical.

Distress:

• In Yourself: Distress feels urgent, pressing discomfort—like a knot in your chest or throat. You may feel overwhelmed or desperate for relief or comfort. There’s a sense that the external world is closing in on you.
• In Others, Look for signs like tears, rapid breathing, furrowed brows, or agitation. Someone in distress may seek reassurance or help, and their focus will be on finding comfort or solving the external problem.

In Summary:

• Shame is about how we feel about ourselves, typically in social contexts. It creates a sense of exposure, failure, or inadequacy.
• Distress is about how we feel about situations that overwhelm us. It prompts us to seek relief or comfort from external sources.

They are related, with shame often leading to distress, but their triggers and focus points differ: shame involves self-judgment, while distress involves external overwhelm. Does this distinction clarify the relationship for your work with patients?

Discover the life-changing benefits of understanding your emotions.
Enhance your mental health and overall well-being with Dr. Scott Conkright’s expert guidance.
Call (404) 315-7150 or visit HERE to learn more.

Shame as a Hindrance to Positive Affect

Shame doesn’t lead to distress like other affects might; instead, it interrupts positive affects like interest-excitement or enjoyment-joy. When something disrupts these positive affective states—such as an unmet expectation or social feedback that feels negative—shame signals us that something has interrupted our sense of flow or joy.

In this model:

• Shame blocks or cuts off positive feelings of engagement or joy. For example, if you’re excited about sharing something personal and receive negative feedback, that initial joy is abruptly interrupted, leaving you feeling exposed or flawed.
• Shame focuses not on distress but on the loss of positive feelings, making one feel less than or socially disconnected.

Distress vs. Shame in This Context

• Shame is about interrupting positive emotions, making you feel like withdrawing or hiding due to the breakdown of something enjoyable or exciting. You can feel shame without necessarily feeling distressed, though prolonged or intense shame can lead to other negative emotional states over time.
• Distress, conversely, is more about ongoing discomfort in reaction to a painful or threatening experience. Distress might come from being overwhelmed by external circumstances. In contrast, shame comes from the feeling that something internal has gone wrong—your sense of positive engagement or joy has been disrupted.

Reframing the Example:

• When you experience shame after failing in front of others, it’s not the feeling of inadequacy that directly escalates into distress. Instead, the shame comes from the interruption of enjoyment or interest in doing something well or being seen positively. Shame stops you from continuing to feel enjoyment or pride in the activity, and that break in positive affect makes shame so painful. You are suddenly aware that the positive affect has been blocked, and that awareness causes shame to “punish” the interruption.

Differentiating Shame from Distress

Although the adjectives describing self-consciousness – shame and distress – anguish can overlap (e.g., feeling “bad” or “uncomfortable”), these two affects are distinct in their purpose and experience:

Disquieting Self-Consciousness – Shame:

• Function: Shame signals the interruption of positive affect—typically joy or interest. It occurs when your engagement or enjoyment is blocked, particularly in social or evaluative contexts.
• Focus: Shame is inward, focusing on the self, often accompanied by feelings of exposure, inadequacy, or embarrassment.
• Behavioral Response: The typical response is to hide, withdraw, or avoid further engagement with the source of the shame.

Distress:

• Function: Distress signals discomfort or suffering in response to external stressors or overwhelming situations. Its purpose is to motivate you to seek relief or help.
• Focus: Distress is more outward, focusing on external circumstances that are painful, overwhelming, or threatening.
• Behavioral Response: The common response to distress is seeking comfort, reassurance, or solutions to alleviate the discomfort.

Q: Does Self-Consciousnes – Shame Cause Distress?

Shame does not directly cause distress, but the two can overlap or interact:

1. Shame as a Hindrance to Positive Affect: As I’ve tried to clarify, shame blocks or interrupts positive affects (like interest or joy). When someone feels shame, they are keenly aware of the loss of these positive emotions, which can feel distressing if prolonged or unresolved. However, this distress is secondary to the primary experience of shame.
2. Distress from Prolonged Shame: While shame doesn’t “cause” distress immediately, persistent shame (especially if it remains unresolved) can lead to broader emotional states, like anxiety, depression, or chronic feelings of inadequacy. These emotional states may include distress, especially if the person feels stuck or unable to regain their positive affective states over time. 

How Are Shame and Distress Related?

Shame and distress can occur together but serve different roles:

• Shame interrupts positive affect and draws attention to the self, often creating a desire to hide or withdraw.
• Distress emerges when discomfort, suffering, or overwhelm needs external relief or resolution.

In a situation where both are present, shame might trigger distress because the individual becomes aware of a profound interruption in their positive emotions (e.g., losing joy, excitement, or connection). However, this relationship is not one of direct causality but more of an overlap in response to a challenging experience.

In Summary:

• Self-Consciousness – Shame is about the self and interrupting positive emotions (interest or enjoyment).
• Distress is about the situation and the need for external comfort or relief.
• Shame doesn’t directly cause distress but can contribute to it if unresolved over time, especially as it blocks the return of positive emotions.

Q: What are the five most common ways shame and distress occur in an intimate relationship?

Here are the five most common ways shame and distress can occur in an intimate relationship, based on their distinct triggers and dynamics:

1. Fear of Rejection or Criticism

• Shame: A partner may feel inadequate or unworthy when they perceive themselves as falling short of their partner’s expectations. This can interrupt their enjoyment of the relationship, leading to withdrawal or avoidance.
• Distress: The partner might experience distress if they fear ongoing criticism or rejection, especially when the relationship feels fragile. This often leads to heightened anxiety or emotional discomfort.

2. Emotional Vulnerability and Unmet Needs

• Shame: Shame may arise when one partner expresses a deep emotional need or vulnerability and feels that the other partner dismisses or doesn’t respond empathetically. The person may feel embarrassed or self-conscious for having expressed their need.
• Distress occurs when a partner feels unheard or unsupported in their emotional needs, leading to feelings of isolation or frustration.

3. Arguments or Conflict

• Shame: During arguments, one or both partners may feel shame if their point of view is dismissed or invalidated, especially if this interrupts feelings of interest or connection. Being told “you’re overreacting” or “you’re wrong” can trigger shame.
• Distress: Intense arguments can cause distress, particularly when they escalate without resolution. One or both partners may feel overwhelmed, anxious, and desperate for relief from the conflict.

4. Sexual Intimacy Issues

• Shame: Performance issues, body image concerns, or unmet sexual desires can trigger shame, making one partner feel as if they’re not “good enough” or attractive. This shame disrupts the enjoyment or excitement typically associated with sexual connection.
• Distress: Distress often follows when sexual issues remain unresolved, leading to emotional disconnection, frustration, or anxiety about the future of the relationship’s intimacy.

5. Misaligned Expectations or Roles

• Shame: A partner may feel shame when they perceive that they are not fulfilling a role (e.g., being a good provider, a supportive partner, or a loving parent) as expected by their partner. This can interrupt their pride or satisfaction in the relationship.
• Distress occurs when these misalignments lead to feeling overwhelmed or unable to meet the relationship’s demands, causing ongoing tension or dissatisfaction.

In all these scenarios, shame often stems from a perceived failure or interruption in positive affect (like connection or enjoyment). At the same time, distress arises when ongoing discomfort or emotional strain remains unresolved. This can create a cycle where shame leads to withdrawal, and unresolved distress leads to further emotional disconnection.

Here are two specific examples for each of the five most common ways shame and distress occur in an intimate relationship:

1. Fear of Rejection or Criticism

• Example 1 (Shame): Alex prepares a romantic dinner for their partner, Sam, but when Sam arrives, they seem unimpressed. Alex feels a sudden wave of shame, interpreting Sam’s reaction as a critique of their effort. Alex’s excitement about the evening is interrupted, making them withdraw emotionally.
• Example 2 (Distress): Sam regularly worries that Alex might leave the relationship due to recent arguments. Whenever Alex seems distant, Sam feels intense distress, fearing rejection or abandonment, and anxiously seeks reassurance.

2. Emotional Vulnerability and Unmet Needs

• Example 1 (Shame): Jamie opens up about feeling insecure in the relationship, hoping for comfort, but their partner, Taylor, brushes it off and changes the subject. Jamie feels embarrassed and ashamed for showing vulnerability and starts to avoid expressing emotions in the future.
• Example 2 (Distress): Taylor feels increasingly distressed because Jamie shuts down or becomes defensive whenever they try to express their emotional needs. Taylor feels unsupported and begins to feel emotionally isolated, causing ongoing tension. 

3. Arguments or Conflict

• Example 1 (Shame): During a heated argument, Chris tells Jordan that they are being overly dramatic. Jordan feels shame as their feelings of frustration are invalidated, causing them to disengage and avoid discussing the issue further.
• Example 2 (Distress): After the argument, Chris feels distressed because the conflict escalated without resolution. They worry about the long-term impact of the argument on the relationship and feel overwhelmed by how to repair the situation.

4. Sexual Intimacy Issues

• Example 1 (Shame): After an intimate moment, Morgan expresses concerns about their sexual performance. Their partner, Casey, responds lightly, but Morgan feels ashamed and avoids initiating intimacy in the future, fearing they aren’t “good enough.”
• Example 2 (Distress): Casey feels distress because they’ve noticed Morgan avoiding intimacy. Casey is unsure how to address the issue and feels anxious about the growing distance between them, leading to feelings of frustration and fear about the relationship’s future.

5. Misaligned Expectations or Roles

• Example 1 (Shame): Taylor feels ashamed because, due to a recent job loss, they aren’t able to contribute financially as much as their partner, Jamie. Taylor’s pride in their role as providers has been disrupted, and they begin to withdraw from conversations about money.
• Example 2 (Distress): Jamie feels distressed because they have taken on more responsibilities in the relationship, both financially and emotionally, and feel overwhelmed. They worry they won’t be able to sustain this role, leading to feelings of anxiety and frustration.

Each of these examples illustrates how shame interrupts positive affect, leading to emotional withdrawal or avoidance, while distress stems from prolonged emotional discomfort, anxiety, or a need for external resolution. Together, they can create cycles of disconnection in intimate relationships.

How are disquieting self-consciousness and fear related?

Disquieting self-consciousness and fear are related through the underlying experience of vulnerability and perceived threat. Both can be triggered by situations where we feel exposed, judged, or at risk of rejection, though they manifest in slightly different ways:

1. Fear of Judgment: Disquieting self-consciousness often involves a fear of being judged or evaluated negatively by others. This can create an internal state of fear that drives a person to become overly self-critical, hyperaware of their perceived flaws, or anxious about how they are seen. The fear, in this case, is focused on social disapproval or shame.
2. Anticipation of Harm: While disquieting self-consciousness is more about internal discomfort and self-criticism, fear can include the anticipation of an external threat or harm. However, in the context of self-consciousness, the “threat” is typically social in nature—like embarrassment, rejection, or failure. The discomfort in disquieting self-consciousness can escalate into fear when the person anticipates these social threats.
3. Amplifying Effect: Fear can amplify disquieting self-consciousness, turning a mild sense of discomfort into anxiety or distress. When someone feels uneasy or self-conscious, the added layer of fear about potential outcomes (like humiliation or rejection) can intensify their negative feelings, making the experience more consuming and harder to manage.
4. Affective Signals: Both states can trigger physiological responses associated with anxiety—like increased heart rate, sweating, or tension—since fear activates the body’s stress response. Disquieting self-consciousness, being a form of self-directed unease, can provoke similar sensations, blending with fear.

In short, fear heightens and complicates the experience of disquieting self-consciousness, deepening the sense of unease and social vulnerability.

Struggling with negative emotions?

Learn how to recognize and manage your affects with Dr. Scott Conkright’s expert guidance. Schedule a therapy session today by calling (404) 315-7150 or visiting HERE.