Unmasking the Truth: The Hidden Battle Between Affect Shame and Emotional Turmoil
Silvan Tompkins, a prominent thinker in psychology, had a unique take on shame. According to him, shame is like an automatic, built-in response that kicks in whenever something blocks our good vibes, precisely the excitement of discovering new things or the joy we feel when we’re having a great time. It’s not something we choose; it’s hardwired into us, part of our biology. So, when we’re feeling shame, it’s our body’s way of telling us, “Hey, something’s getting in the way of our happiness.” This idea helps us understand that shame is a natural reaction, not something we should beat ourselves up over.
Examples
Workplace:
- Imagine you’re giving a presentation at work that you’re excited about. But halfway through, your boss interrupts with harsh criticism in front of everyone. According to Tompkins’ idea, your initial excitement (Interest-Excitement) is suddenly blocked, triggering an automatic shame response. You might blush, look down, or suddenly find speaking hard. This isn’t about you being weak; it’s your biological response to the unexpected halt of your positive, engaged feelings.
Social Media:
- You post a photo from your latest adventure, buzzing with joy (Enjoyment-Joy) and looking forward to sharing this excitement with friends. But then, you receive a negative comment that feels like a punch to the gut. Your natural, biologically driven shame response might kick in, making you want to delete the post or withdraw. This reaction is your body’s way of dealing with the sudden stop of your joyful sharing experience.
Intimate Relationships:
- Let’s say you’re telling your partner about something that happened to you that you found really interesting or enjoyable. You’re in the flow, feeling connected and lively (Interest-Excitement and Enjoyment-Joy). But they start looking at their phone or interrupt to talk about something else, showing they’re not really interested. That pang you feel? That’s shame, according to Tompkins. It’s a reflex, signaling that your flow of positive emotion has been blocked, not a reflection of your worth or the bond you share.
Shame is a built-in response when something blocks our good feelings, like the thrill of learning something new or the happiness of enjoying something. This type of shame is automatic and biological – Consider it an internal alert system that flashes when our enjoyment or curiosity is being blocked, whether the hindrance is real or perceived. When you don’t get what you want – you find out that you failed a test, didn’t make the shot, missed the elevator door, or were just broken up with, will cause what I call “The Slump of Shame.” It’s a bodily feeling, not an emotion.
The emotion of shame, on the other hand, is our personal reaction to this automatic feeling. It’s colored by our past experiences, the societal rules we’ve learned, and our thoughts about ourselves. If the built-in shame is a red light, the emotion of shame is how we decide to deal with that red light – do we slam on the brakes, or do we get upset about the stop?
Examples
Workplace:
Affect Shame: You’re presenting at work and are interrupted by your boss’s criticism. Your built-in shame kicks in because your flow of excitement is blocked.
Emotion Shame: How you react internally to this interruption – feeling humiliated, questioning your competence, or worrying about your reputation – is the emotion of shame. Your work environment, past job experiences, and personal beliefs about success shape it.
Social Media:
Affect Shame: You share a joyful post and get a negative comment. The initial sting is that automatic shame response, signaling that your moment of joy has been halted.
Emotion Shame: The emotion of shame is the aftermath, where you might ruminate about the comment, fear judgment, or feel unworthy of sharing future posts. It’s influenced by your personal experiences with social media, societal expectations of approval, and self-esteem.
Intimate Relationships:
Affect Shame: You share something exciting with your partner, but they disengage. The immediate feeling of being cut off triggers your biological shame response.
Emotion Shame: The deeper feelings that follow, like feeling unloved, questioning your relationship, or doubting your interest’s validity, represent the emotion of shame. Your relationship history molds this, as do your cultural beliefs about partnerships and personal feelings of self-worth.
By distinguishing between the biological response of affect shame and emotional shame’s more profound, personal reactions, you can navigate life’s ups and downs with greater resilience. Whether you’re facing challenges in the workplace, navigating social media, or fostering deeper connections in intimate relationships, understanding these concepts offers a new lens through which to view your experiences.
It provides a roadmap to better understanding yourself and others, leading to more meaningful connections and a strengthened sense of self. By recognizing the difference between automatic reactions and emotional responses, you can shift from a place of self-doubt to empowerment. You can choose how you react to the internal red lights of shame, turning potential roadblocks into opportunities for growth and connection.
Remember that self-discovery and relationship enhancement are ongoing. But with Silvan Tompkins’ insights and the understanding you’ve gained, you’re better equipped to face the challenges of shame and emotional turmoil. Embrace and use this knowledge to pave the way for a future filled with healthier, more supportive, and fulfilling relationships.
Let’s not just navigate our emotions; let’s understand and master them. Here’s to transforming the invisible chains of shame into stepping stones toward personal growth and professional success. The power is in your hands.
